Exploring Love
In his book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” He continues, “Love is an act of will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
I'm curious – how often do you consider what love actually means to you? We talk about love constantly in our society, but do we really understand what it means to love, to be loving, and to be loved? What does it look like, sound like, and feel like in your life? For a long time, I took the concept of love at face value. I created beliefs and made assumptions without deeper reflection. While I still have some lingering preconceived ideas, I've now opened myself to genuine curiosity about what love truly means to me.
And what happens when we turn this question toward ourselves? Self-love is discussed everywhere these days, but when I really examine it, I find it's far more complex than it first appears. We live surrounded by messages telling us we aren't enough, that our worth depends on achievement, that we must constantly improve. These messages, whether we notice them or not, become part of our inner dialogue and create layers of self-doubt that can feel defeating. Every day, these conscious and unconscious messages affect our well-being and our ability to accept, love, and respect ourselves.
I've discovered that self-love becomes more accessible when:
I am more accepting of myself as I am,
I show myself more respect,
I can be honest with myself,
I am open to the most critical parts of me with curiosity and kindness,
I practice self-compassion and forgiveness,
I offer myself ongoing care
Self-love isn't something we achieve once and check off our list. It's an active, ongoing process – a series of moment-by-moment behaviors and choices. It's not static, and there's no finish line to cross. I've had to let go of my belief that love should be effortless and available on demand. As Bell Hooks writes in her book all about love, "Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know genuine love we have to invest time and commitment…people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling."
This has not been easy for me to accept. When I wasn’t “good at self-love” it helped to reinforce my tightly held belief of “I’m not enough”. When I learned it’s an ongoing process that takes work, commitment, mindset shifts, deep compassion for myself and others, and so much more, it seemed quite overwhelming and daunting.
But here is what I have discovered: it’s the small acts that build into something bigger. It’s the small moment when I get closer to my self-talk, opening to it with kindness and curiosity rather than embracing the words as true or trying to shut it down. It’s the time I take to breathe deeply in the moment. It’s noticing when I’m grateful for my life and the people and things around me. It’s celebrating when I do something to support and care for myself. It’s pausing my ruminating thoughts with kindness. It’s that moment I choose to put on my running shoes because I know this choice gets me to intentionally move my body in generative and supportive ways.
It’s feeling my feelings rather than resisting them. Even the scary, uncomfortable, sometimes seemingly unbearable ones. It is finally recognizing what being flooded by my emotions, and having the awareness to gently interrupt the process. It’s releasing unrealistic expectations I’ve created without being devastated that they won’t be true. It’s knowing I have the capacity to withstand challenges, grief, and hard things. Everything may not work out and things might become much more challenging, and I have the capacity to withstand, exist, and persevere then too.
It’s all the small acts that get me to somewhere where self-love is more noticeable and accessible. When I accept that it’s these small acts of care, of kindness…of love…the concept of self-love becomes less daunting and overwhelming. This is where I have to start from. This is where self-love begins for me.
Self-love is a journey of peeling away the things that aren’t truly me, discovering who and how I want to be and accepting that version of me wholly right now. Right now is key. It’s not some future state of myself. It’s me…all of me…right now in this moment.
Returning to M. Scott Peck definition of love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth…Love is an act of will…both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” Some questions to support in opening to self-love and acceptance in your own way can include:
How am I already loving to myself?
How am I nurturing my own growth?
What would being a little gentler with myself look like today?
How do I value myself regardless of what I do or achieve?
What small act of kindness can I show myself right now?
How might my experience change if I generously offered respect to both myself and others?
Where am I choosing love?
How might I accept and value who I am right here, today?
What might it mean if I were kind and compassionate with myself?
Remember, today's feelings are temporary, there is always room for growth, and while the journey toward self-love may take effort, it's deeply worthwhile. Each small act of kindness toward yourself contributes to a fuller, more compassionate relationship with who you are right now—not some future version of yourself, but you, exactly as you are in this moment, and that version of you deserves the love and acceptance you can offer.
