I like to pretend I’m not affected by things; it’s a protection method for me. If I don’t own that I am affected, then I can stand in the middle of the playing field, pretend no one can see me, and watch the game go by without really taking part. If I don’t admit that I’m impacted by things, then I don’t have to own that I can do anything about it. Lately, I haven’t been admitting that I experience ongoing mental health challenges, and I haven’t been admitting that I am deeply affected by the events caused by COVID-19 and seeing the social injustices across our country and the world really for the first time.

I’ve avoided admitting that my mental health affects me, and this year has shown me just how much. I’ve denied it by saying to myself that there are things I have done to manage it, so I’m not really affected and pretend it’s not that bad so I don’t have to put myself in the category of needing help to cope. Just before COVID-19 quarantining started, I actually felt good, feeling like my mental and emotional health were managed well; however, looking back now, I realize that I was building upon a still shaky foundation. Even during the first couple months of the quarantine I was still feeling pretty good, and then George Floyd was murdered and riots occurred in the city I lived in. It was no longer an over there problem like it had always been before. And then I opened my eyes, ears, and heart to how this country truly operates and the injustices that happen every single day.

There was stigma in my own head around mental health and mental illness, and I couldn’t openly admit it to myself. Well, here is the truth: I experience challenges with mental illness. Mental illness affects me, and the experiences this year paired with past challenges have brought my struggles to the surface, and I must admit it to be able to help myself.

So, there it is. I’ve outed myself. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I always can use a place to start. I can start looking at my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and I can start to ask myself, “What do I need to be okay today?” and “What do I need to know from this?” I can start admitting out loud when I’m not okay without putting any weight on how someone else responds because sometimes just saying it out loud can be enough. I can start the smallest practices of self-care like taking 15-seconds to stretch, drinking a glass of water, doing a jumping jack, push-up or lunge, or taking six deep breaths. I can start to pause my mind and check-in with my body and my feelings. I can start somewhere and that can be enough to build upon. I will start there and see what happens.